Understanding Demand Avoidance

It’s really easy to feel

frustrated if your young

person constantly avoids

what seem like simple requests; getting out of bed on time, starting homework before the last minute, or replying when you ask them how their day was. It’s easy to assume they’re being difficult or lazy.

But there’s almost always a reason behind demand avoidance, and it usually comes back to anxiety, overwhelm, or fear about the task itself rather than stubbornness.

We all avoid things sometimes! When was the last time you paid your parking ticket on time? Or filled up the petrol tank before the red light came on? Everyone puts things off, even when we know they’re important. This shows just how universal the pull to avoid uncomfortable demands can be.

Demand avoidance isn’t inherently about being difficult; it’s often a coping strategy when a request feels threatening or too big to face at that moment. Sometimes the idea of not doing it at all is more appealing than the idea of all the things that might go wrong if you did!

For many young people, especially those who are neurodivergent or struggle with anxiety, ordinary expectations can trigger really intense internal pressure. When a request feels like something they have to do, their nervous system may respond as if there’s an actual threat, and that can lead to avoidance, shutdown, or emotional outbursts.

There are lots of reasons our young people may avoid the requests being made of them:

• Fear of getting it wrong: After struggling in the past, your young person may assume they’ll fail again unless shown step by step how to succeed.

• Unclear instructions: If they don’t understand what’s expected or are afraid to ask for clarification, they might become overwhelmed with uncertainty.

• Not interested / lack of connection: If a task feels pointless or unmotivating, adding an incentive or making it more engaging can be really helpful.

• Anxiety and overwhelm: When even small demands feel threatening, it’s actually quite normal for a young person’s response to be withdrawal or refusal.

One of the young people we work with said this:

"it's appealing to not do something once asked because once you've been inpatient or poorly and had all your choices made for you or actions dictated by somebody else it can feel good to have a slight sense of power to rebel"

You’ve probably noticed that your response matters. Getting frustrated or angry can make things worse. When a young person starts associating requests with conflict, criticism, or negative emotions, the avoidance becomes more entrenched and the whole interaction can escalate into something way bigger than it needs to be.

When I asked her what the best approach to use was, she suggested making it feel more like an invitation, giving choices about how or when the thing could be done, or offering to start together…

So what can help?

• Check in first: Ask how they’re feeling about the task before launching into instructions.

• Make instructions clear and step by step: Break down tasks together so they feel manageable.

• Offer choices or fun elements: Even small autonomy or playful framing can reduce pressure.

• Collaborate: “Let’s do it together” often feels safer than a direct demand.

• Avoid power struggles: Calmer language and indirect phrasing like “I wonder if…” or “Maybe we could…” can reduce resistance.

  
  

Demand avoidance isn’t always just about your young person being difficult or stubborn -although we recognise that these are normal teenage traits and actually aren’t necessarily a bad thing! - It’s about something more, and when we understand what this means for our young person, we will learn how to best support them.

Written by

Kaya Leonard

BSc, MSc