Not Sure How To Start A Difficult Conversation?

Starting difficult conversations with young people can feel incredibly daunting, especially when the topic is something as sensitive as self-harm, eating difficulties, or emotional distress. It’s completely natural to feel unsure, worried about saying the wrong thing, or even afraid of what you might hear.

But these conversations are so important. Avoiding them can leave young people feeling like there isn't anyone safe to talk to, while approaching them with care can open a space for understanding and support.

Many parents and carers also worry that talking about self-harm or suicide might “put ideas in their head.” The reality is, if you’ve thought of it, they almost certainly have too. You are not introducing something new. In fact, it is far safer to calmly name these things than to brush them under the rug. Open, honest conversations reduce shame and make it easier for young people to ask for our help.

The key is how we approach these conversations.

When talking to young people, it needs to be on their terms. Otherwise it might feel too invasive - barriers go up, conversations shut down, or things become very emotional very quickly. That’s why it’s important to go gently and avoid questions that feel too direct or threatening, particularly around something as private as self-harm, for example.

A helpful place to start is with honesty and permission:

• “It might feel a bit awkward to talk about this, but I care about you, would it be okay if we talked about it?”

If the answer is no, that tells us something important, that it feels too tricky right now. Instead of pushing, we can stay curious about the barrier:

• “Why do you think it feels hard to talk about?”

• “Is there anything that might make it feel easier?”

• “Would it help to write something down instead?”

If the answer is yes, we can begin to gently explore, but this is where open questions are essential.

Closed questions often lead to “yes” or “no” answers, which don’t help us understand much. Open questions give young people space to reflect and express themselves in their own words:

• “Can you help me understand a little bit more about what’s been going on?”

• “When you’re struggling, how does it change things for you?”

• “How do you decide when things feel too much?”

• “Do you remember a time before this started, what felt different then?”

  
  

The aim isn’t to stop the behaviour immediately, it’s to understand it. Young people don’t hurt themselves, stop eating, or behave aggressively for nothing, it serves a purpose. When we understand what the behaviour is doing for them, we’re better able to help meet that need in safer ways.

Most importantly, we lead with calmness and compassion, not panic (even if we are feeling a bit panicky on the inside!). When young people see that we can hold that space,

stay calm, listen without judgement, and tolerate difficult emotions, it builds trust. It shows them we are safe to talk to, even about the most difficult things.

These conversations aren’t easy. But when they're done with care, openness, and patience, they can make all the difference.

Written by

Kaya Leonard

MSc